i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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