how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
