Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
