A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
