I think my fart just growled at me.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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