Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
