In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
