oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
