3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
