That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he shaved USA in his pubs
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
