i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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