i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
