dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think I won the penis lottery.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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