last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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