My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
