i need an iv and a liver transplant
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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