corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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