I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
