So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
