fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
