my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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