i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
