my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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