paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
