I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
