i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
