I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
