Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
