1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
