Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
