She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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