Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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