So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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