i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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