Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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