I think i sorta joined a cult last night
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
