He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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