I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
