You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
