high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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