I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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