he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
