i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
