There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
