Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
