Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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