What did we do last night that was yellow?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
