Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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