he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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