My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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