drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
