I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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